Coming Clean

 

I don’t really know where to start and so I guess it’s best to start at the beginning; The root cause for writing something very personal and close to me that I feel the world needs to know about. It may be self serving to an extent but I like to pump my own tires sometimes. I’ll try to do it with as much humor as you’d expect from our show so there’s that let down out of the way.

There is a dynamic on the show that I have always felt should remain in tact for whatever foolish reason. When we started out there seemed to be some very clear paths set out for The Brothers wherein I was going through a divorce and back on the dating scene, Brother Cody was newly married and so very happy and Brother Ben was starting a new relationship with his girlfriend. For some reason I thought this was an interesting dynamic to hold on to while we recorded and that there would have to be some kind of shift in a forward motion to change any of it. Let’s call this the Romantic Relationship Dynamic. Looking back at that thinking now has me bewildered beyond belief but nonetheless, it’s what I thought. It made for good comedy sometimes and we got jokes out of it.

It was with this thinking that I never speak about any of the ladies I was seeing during recordings. I would tell them about the show, allow them to listen if they seemed interested in it and maybe even steal their jokes and use them in the show but that’s as far as it went. A lot of the time nothing came of it but there were the few people who I wanted to stick around in my life and I would let them know about my stance on the Romantic Relationship Dynamic and that I wouldn’t mention that we were dating on the show because it would ruin something for the continuity to the show. Like you all just expected no growth or evolution from us. 99% of the ladies had no interest in being mentioned on a silly little podcast that our families, some of our friends and a select few people who only want to keep tabs on us listen to. Most of them were happy enough to contribute in whatever way they did and be done with it. This is a story about the 1%.

In early August 2018 it was super hot in Regina, Saskatchewan. I’m talking melting in the shade, “How is it this humid for our climate?”, damp underwear in the early evening kind of hot. An uncomfortable and ugly heat. But in the middle of an extremely low point of my life that was falling more apart daily and not even remotely improving something great happened. I had a date.

I met her on some online dating app and had texted with her for a week or so to let her know I wasn’t some serial killer who wanted to wear her skin as a coat. I mean, in all honesty, it was just too hot for that. She agreed to come over and hang out in the basement suite that Devin and I were building and living in. Our living situation resembled what looked like a hostel or community outreach program that was severely underfunded or forgotten about that two fucking idiots had stumbled across and were claiming squatters rights on. Our bathroom was being built from “liberated” lumber and free bathroom fixtures on local buy and sell platforms and apps, surrounded by a couple shower curtains tacked to the wall frames and strategically set up so no one could see you poop, but fuck if they couldn’t hear you. The kitchen was built on the basements aged and unused wet bar where we put a camper sink in for washing dishes and cooked food in a toaster oven with THREE HEATING OPTIONS (we were poor, not cavemen). Devin didn’t even have walls around his room for privacy, it was just part of the living room. We had a mini fridge, a coffee maker, Kraft Dinner, a pot and hot plate, our guitars, beds to sleep on and still somehow managed to enjoy ourselves everyday. We were Kings of Turd Mountain and happier than we had been in a long time.

My room at least had walls…but only three. One of the walls was an unfinished basement wall with nothing but bare studs like a giant whales ribcage. It made this one room closest to being complete have a very “No one will hear you scream” look. I tried to dress it up by putting art up and making the unfinished walls look nicer with shelves and knick-knacks. It was a spectacular failure. Devin said I could have that room in lieu of not having a proper place to wipe our asses. I had been recently pulled over by city police for not paying to register my vehicle for three months, got a hefty ticket and was almost flat broke. I told this potential romantic interest of mine all of these things and for some reason she didn’t seem to mind. She said she wasn’t a gold digger and didn’t need a lot in life to be happy. To say she had piqued my interest early was an understatement.

Devin went out for a while and I waited for her to come by, realize she had underestimated how bad the living conditions really were, make an excuse and leave screaming and horrified never to speak to me again. At least I would have a story for the podcast that week, right? She sent me a text saying she was out front and I went up the stairs to let her in.

At the end of the night, realizing I was head over heels for this girl, I tried to trace back to the moment I fell for her. Over the course of a pretty full evenings events peppered with long talks, acoustic guitar jams at local pubs, casino wins and customized milkshakes I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment. I had only one real option left and it had to be when I opened the door and saw her for the first time in real life. There were two other times in my life that I fell that hard and that fast in love,when I held my son for the first time and a year and a half later when I held my daughter. August 9th, 2018 I fell in love with a girl named Megan as soon as I opened the door. She was the one.

I like to say that her broken matched mine. We were both very guarded and cautious about who we let into our personal lives but there was something about her, something so comforting and familiar about each other that we slipped into that feeling of home that you get after months of dating. We became instantly inseparable. Megan and I spent almost every waking moment together. Laughing, holding each other, sharing quiet moments together, falling deeper and deeper in love. Things were great for us both and we couldn’t be happier together every single day. I’d go home to have a bath and back to her place. She’d stay for one night that lasted for three in a row. Her parents saw a difference in her, my friends saw a change in me that pulled me out of the dark place I was headed not too long before. I can’t put into words how happy and perfect everything was.

She always asked me when I was going to mention her on the show, when I was going to say that I had met the love of my life and I was happier than I ever would be again. I told her “It wasn’t the right time” or just flat out reminded her about the Romantic Relationship Dynamic the show had. Because of her amazing patience with me she would let it go, kiss me and bring up something else conveniently changing the subject. I told The Brothers about her, our dad and mum, my mom met her too. I didn’t keep her a total secret and in fact I was telling everyone I could how lucky I was to have her in my life. Everyone but you the listener. It’s my biggest regret in life now.

A tragic accident took Megan away from me on November 30th and I was and still am left shattered from it. My world was left empty and alone and dark. Where there once was a light in my life is now black as pitch. My other half, my soulmate, the woman I would move heaven and earth for is gone and I can never have back the missed moments, the could have been’s and the future we had planned together. Nothing hurts more than the absence of her. I’m no longer able to look over and see her sitting and coloring listening to music and singing along when she didn’t think I could hear her. I can’t watch her get ready and laugh at her while she took too long to do it but was always so very worth the wait. I’ll never again hold her in the middle of the night and feel her skin under my hand and breath in the smell of her as we laid awake in bed. It’s the absence of her generosity, her spirit, her smile, of… her that hurts the most. So I owe her this moment. I owe her so much more than this but it’s all I have the power to actually do…

 

Megan, I love you. Purely and deeply and truly.  I’m so glad you’re in my life, no matter how short or long it was. I won’t ever stop loving you. You are my world, my seas and my skies. I’m dead set against the idea of marriage but for you it’s not even a question.I would marry you in a heartbeat. I know it’s no shouting it across a parking lot which I know you loved but the internet is way bigger. The distance between us now is an entire lifetime apart but…

Hey Megan? I just love you. So much. I’m all in babe. All in. Will you marry me?

 
Cody KiddComment